Utama How to talk to anyone: 92 little tricks for big success in relationships

How to talk to anyone: 92 little tricks for big success in relationships

Perfect your people skills with his fun, witty and informative guide,
containing 92 little tricks to create big success in personal and
business relationships.

In How To Talk To Anyone, bestselling
relationships author and internationally renowned life coach Leil
Lowndes reveals the secrets and psychology behind successful
communication. These extremely usable and intelligent techniques include
how to:

• Work a party like a politician works a room
• Be an insider in any crowd
• Use key words and phrases to guide the conversation
• Use body language to connect

This is the key to having successful conversations with anyone, any time.

Tahun:
2003
Penerbit:
McGraw-Hill Professional
Bahasa:
english
ISBN 13:
9780007369867
File:
EPUB, 234 KB
Unduh (epub, 234 KB)

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      How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks...

    

    
      How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks...

    

  
    
      How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks...

    

    
      

  


PART EIGHT

      How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room

      The Politicians Six-Point Party Checklist

      When invited to a party, most of us waft into a fluffy thought prcess. Our random 
        reverie goes something like this: Hmm, this could be fun. . . . Wonder if theyre going to 
        serve food. . . . Hope its good. . . . Might be some interesting people there. . . . Wo
        der if my friend so n so is coming. . . . Golly, what should I wear?

      Thats not the way a politician thinks about a party, however. While politicians, 
        heavy-duty networkers, serious socializers, and big winners in the business world are 
        staring at the invitation, they instinctively surf to a different channel. Before they 
        RSVP with yes or no, their brains craft journalistic campaign questions. Its the Six-Point 
        Party Checklist. Who? When? What? Why? Where? And How?

      Lets take them one by one.

      265

      Who Is Going to Be at the Party?

      More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious networkers calculate Who 
        must I meet for business? Who should I meet for political or social reasons? And, if 
        single and searcing, Who do I want to meet for possible love?

      If they dont know who is going to be in attendance, they ask. Politicians unabashedly 
        telephone the host or hostess of the party and ask, Whos coming? As the party giver chats 
        casually about the guest list, politicians scribble the names of the people who interest 
        them, then resolve to meet each.

      When Should I Arrive?

      Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they finish geting dressed. They dont 
        ask themselves, Hmm, should I be fasionably late? They carefully calculate their 
        estimated;  time of arrival and estimated time of departure.

      If the party is bulging with contacts, biggies get there early to start hitting their 
        marks as each arrives. VIPs frequently come early to get their business done before party 
        regulars who hate to be the first one there start arriving. They are never embarrassed to 
        arrive early. After all, the only people who see them are other early arrivals who are 
        often heavy hitters like themselves.

      Nor will you find politicians prowling around, the last to slink out the door. Once theyve 
        accomplished what they set out to do, theyre on their way to the next opportunity. If 
        their agenda is more social, they try to leave their departure time open and their 
        aprŽs-party schedule free. That way, if they make an important new contact, they can stay 
        around and talk with him. Or drive her home. Or go somewhere else for coffee.

      How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room	267

      What Should I Take with Me?

      A politicians checklist is not the usual, Lets see, my comb, cologne, and breath mints. 
        They pack more functional networing tools in their pockets or purses.

      If corporate cats will be prowling the party, they pack a pocetful of business cards. 
        If its a gala where people are gadding about on the social ladder and they want to exude 
        old-world elegance, they grab a handful of social cards containing only their name and 
        possibly an address and phone number. (Some feel giving out a business card in a purely 
        social setting can be gauche.) The most vital tool in their party pack is a small pad and 
        pen to keep track of important contacts.

      Why Is the Party Being Given?

      The politicians perpetual philosophy of penetrate the ostensible enters here. (Thats just 
        a fancy way of saying look under the rug.) They ask themselves, What is the ostensible 
        reason for the party? A big industrialist is giving his daughter a graduation party? A 
        newly divorced executive is throwing himself a birthday bash? A floundering business is 
        celebrating its tenth year?

      Nice, politicians say to themselves, thats the ostensible. But whats the real reason for 
        the party? Maybe the industrialist wants to get his daughter a good job so hes invited 
        dozens of potential employers. The birthday boy is single again so the guest list is heavy 
        with attractive and accomplished females. The business deperately needs good PR if its 
        going to stay around another ten years. So theyve invited the press and community makers 
        and shakers.

      Politicians have expert under-rug vision to spot the hosts real agenda. They will, of 
        course, never discuss it at the party. However, the insight elevates them to a shared state of higher cosciousness with other 
        heavy hitters at the bash.

      Their knowledge also makes them valuable agents for the party giver. A savvy politician 
        introduces the job-seeking daugter to some executives at the party or tells the most 
        alluring women at the bash what a great guy birthday boy is. When chatting with reporters, 
        he talks up the hosts business that needs good PR. When people support the real why of the 
        party, they become popular and sought-after guests for future events.

      Where Is the Collective Mind?

      Often people from one profession or one interest group will coprise most of the guest 
        list. A politician never accepts any invittion without asking herself, What kind of 
        people will be at this party, and what will they be thinking about? Perhaps there will be 
        a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines and rehearses a little 
        doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-age voters, the politician gets up to speed on 
        telepathic healing, Tantric toning, and trance dancing. Politicians cant afford to not be 
        in the know.

      How Am I Going to Follow Up on the Party?

      Now, the big finale. I call it Contact Cement. Its cementing the contacts the politician 
        has made. After meeting a good contact and exchanging cards, practically everyone says, 
        Its been great talking to you. Well stay in touch.

      This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort. Politicians, however, make a 
        science out of keeping up the cotact. After the party, they sit at their desks and, 
        like a game of soltaire, lay out the business cards of the people theyve met. Using

      How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room	269

      The Business Card Dossier technique described later in this setion, they decide how, 
        when, and if to deal with each. Does this person require a phone call? Should that one 
        receive a handwriten note? Shall I E-mail or call the other one?

      Use the Six-Point Party Checklistthe Who? When? Why? Where? What? and How? of a partyas 
        your general game plan. Now lets get down to specifics.

      How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper

      The average party goer, lets say Charlie, arrives at the bash. He makes a beeline for the 
        refreshment table for munchies and a beerage. He then finds a few buddies and starts 
        chatting away with them.

      Chewing the nibbles on his plate and the fat with his friends, he occasionally looks 
        around the room to see who might be new and fun to talk to. Hes hoping several attractive 
        and interesting people at the party will spot him and come over to talk.

      Whats wrong with Charlies approach? Everything, if Chalie wants to make the party 
        productive. Lets start with the aveage party goers first mistakegetting some 
        refreshments and a drink right off the bat.

      People mingling at a party make judgments, often subcoscious, about whom they are going 
        to approach. Have you ever lived on a farm? Or had a dog or a cat? Then you know you never 
        disturb animals when they are eating. Likewise, when a human animal is eating, other human 
        animals do not feel comfortable advancing. If party goers eyes scan the crowd and see you 
        with the feed bag on, they pass right over you. Subconsciously theyre saying to 
        themselves, Let the hungry hound chow down and

      270

      How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper	271

      maybe well talk later. Later never comes because they wind up making friends with someone 
        else whose mouth wasnt full.

      Politicians always eat before they come to the party. They know theyd need a circus 
        jugglers talent to shake hands, exchange business cards, hold a drink, and stuff crackers 
        and cheese into their mouthsall with just two hands.

      Technique #71

      Munching or Mingling

      Politicians want to be eyeball to eyeball and belly to belly with their constituents. Like 
        any big winner well versed in the science of proxemics and spatial relationships, they 
        know any object except their belt buckle has the effect of a brick wall between two 
        people. Therefore they never hold food or drink at a party.

      Come to munch or come to mingle. But do not expect to do both. Like a good politician, 
        chow down before you come.

      How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance

      Loretta Young makes television history when she appears at the head of her immense 
        staircase and surveys the set. Then she swoops down to start the show.

      The Pope steps out onto his balcony overlooking St. Peters Square in Rome and surveys the 
        crowd. Then he begins the benediction.

      Bette Davis stops in the doorway and looks around. Then she mutters, What a dump!

      And every late-night TV comic since Heeeeres Johnny! steps center stage and scrutinizes 
        the applauding audience. Then he reveals the reason for the smirk on his face.

      What do all these great entrances have in common? Each pauses momentarily and looks around 
        before swooping into decsive action.

      Movie directors love shots of THE DOORWAY where the camera pans, the music swells, and all 
        eyes gravitate to the hocho or honchoette standing under the frame. Does the star skulk 
        into the room like a frightened little kitten in a new owners home? Or, like many of us do 
        at a party, frantically gravitate to the first familiar face so people wont think he or 
        shes unconnected? No,

      272

      How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance	273

      the star stops. Then, framed by the doorway, his or her notable presence is felt by all.

      People who have mastered this trick have what envious thatrical wanna-bes call stage 
        presence. Stage groupies think some lucky stars are born with it. Think again, thespians. 
        Its cultivated. Politicians dont just slink unnoticed into a roomful of people.

      Politicians make The Entrance.

      With one simple technique, you too can make great entrances. I call it Rubberneck the 
        Room. Before entering, stop dramatically in the doorway and survey the scene s-l-o-w-l-y 
        with your eyes. It is significant that, while youre standing in the doorway, youre not 
        thinking, Look at me. The reason youre Rubbernecking the Room is not to show off. It is so 
        you can diagnose the situation youre walking into. Take note of the lighting, the bar, and 
        most important, the faces. Listen to the music, the buzz of the crowd, the clinking of 
        glasses. See who is talking to whom. While rubbenecking, youll also be using Be the 
        Chooser, Not the Choosee, the next technique, which helps you select your first, second, 
        and maybe third target. Now, like the big cat who rules the jungle, leap in to make your 
        first move toward wiping up the room.

      In tandem with Rubberneck the Room, try using the folloing technique.

      Technique #72

      Rubberneck the Room

      When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y 
        survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team ready in a 
        heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.

      How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet

      Politicians dont wait for others to approach them. If the party host or their campaign 
        manager has not supplied a must meet list, they choose their targets while Rubbernecking 
        the Room. As their keen eyes scan the crowd, theyre asking themselves Who would I most 
        enjoy talking to? Who looks like they could be most beeficial to my life? Who could I 
        learn most from in this gang?

      How do they choose? They look at everyone the same way my friend, Bob, the caricature 
        artist, looks at people. You can tell a whole lot more than you realize if you keep your 
        gaze fixed on someone. Every twinkle in someones eye and every line surounding it tells 
        a storythe story of the life he or she leads. Who was it who said, At age thirty, everyone 
        has the face he deserves? Yet few of us consciously look into strangers eyes. How foolish 
        that, at a party or convention for making contacts, most people are embarrassed to make 
        eye contact with people we dont know.

      In my networking seminar, I prime participants to make intense visual contact by asking 
        them to form a big circle, walk around the room, and silently stare at each other. Gaze 
        into each others eyes, I tell them. Examine each others movements.

      As they are walking, I say, The most important business cotact, the dearest friend, or 
        the love of your life is probably not in

      274

      How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet	275

      this room. Nevertheless, sometime soon, you will be in a room where you will spot someone 
        you sense could change your life. I want you to be prepared. I want you to have the 
        courage to make the approach and not wait in vain for that special someone to approach 
        you. While strolling and staring, I ask them to silently choose the four people they most 
        want to talk to during the break.

      Only the Beautiful People Will Be Chosen

      When given this unfamiliar and uncomfortable assignment, the participants assume everyone 
        will make a beeline for the most attractive people. It never happens. Something mystical 
        occurs when people take the time to really look at each other. Everyone discovers a 
        distinctive beauty in one or two other people that is very personal, very special, and 
        speaks uniquely to the seeker.

      The dearest friend in my life was a homely little fellow named Chip. He was only 5 feet 2 
        inches tall. Chip had a huge nose and funny little eyes peeping out through thick glasses. 
        At a party, without using this technique, I probably would never have noticed Chip. 
        However, my concentration was on him the day we met because he was giving a speech. When I 
        gazed intently into his eyes and watched his lips moving, I saw such subjective beauty 
        coming from his face. He became my best friend for twelve years until a tragic disease 
        took his life. Nevertheless, Chip remained beautiful to me until the end because, no 
        matter how twisted his body became with illness, the beauty shone through his spirit.

      As the seminar participants explore each others faces and movements, they discover the 
        subjective beauty in their faces, in their spirits. No one can explain why one person 
        chooses another as one of his or her special four. Yet practically everyone returns from 
        the break having made a new good friend. Never is anyone left unchosen.

      When you seek peoples special qualities by exploring their faces, you will find them. If 
        you want to walk out of any gatheing with your life enhanced, spend time with people 
        you choose, not just those who choose you. Be choosey in who you pick. But dont wait to be 
        the choosee.

      Sure, in a Seminar, Its Easy, but What About Real Life?

      Sometimes, after the break, a participant will say, It was simple to go up to people I 
        wanted to talk to this time because you gave it as an assignment. But what about at a real 
        party? Recently, one of my participants named Todd asked me this question in front of the 
        group.

      I asked, Todd, how did you make the approach this time?

      Well, I just went up and said, Hi, Im Todd. I wanted to talk to you.

      Well? I asked.

      Technique #73

      Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee

      The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business contact who will transform 
        your future may not be at the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will be. Make 
        every party a rehearsal for the big event.

      Do not stand around waiting for the moment when that special person approaches you. You 
        make it happen by exploring every face in the room. No more ships passing in the night. 
        Capture whatever or whomever you want in your life.

      How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet	277

      It dawned on him that he could use this opening phrase to meet anyone at any party. To 
        smooth a potentially awkward moment, you quickly follow up with an innocuous question like 
        How do you know the hostess? or Do you live in the area? Now, youre off and running just 
        as though the host had intrduced you.

      Of course, other choosey people will be prowling around the party. Some of them, after 
        scrutinizing you, will decide you are one of the special people they choose to talk to. 
        The following is a subliminal maneuver to make it easy for them come over to cofirm 
        they made a wise choice.

      How to Subliminally Lure People to You at a Gathering

      Have you ever noticed how comfortable you feel sauntering into certain rooms? The chairs 
        are arranged in a way that welcomes you as if saying, Come right on in and sit on me. 
        Conversely, you enter other rooms where you must navigate a circuitous route around tables 
        and dressers before you finally find a free chair.

      Likewise, some people arrange their body furniture, their arms and legs, to say, Hey, come 
        right on over and talk to me. Yet other peoples body furniture shouts, Keep out! Approach 
        at your own risk. Shy people inadvertently say stay away when they fold their arms. They 
        give off insecure signals by clutching a purse, clasping a drink, or smoking a cigarette.

      Controlled studies show that party goers are more comforable approaching people who 
        stand with an open body, arms uncrossed and hanging at their sides, legs slightly 
        separated, a slight smile on their faces. Any object between you and the crowd is a 
        subliminal cutoffeven your purse. More people approach a woman who sports a shoulder bag 
        than one squeezing a handbag. The shoulder bag hangs behind her back, thus leaving the 
        path to talk to her open.

      278

      How to Subliminally Lure People to You at a Gathering	279

      Give Them the Ol Wrist Flash

      Now, heres the pi�ce de rŽsistance. Next to your face, your wrists and palms are one of 
        the most expressive parts of your body. Palms up speak volumes of good sentiments.

      The Popes wrists and palms are up when he beckons Come unto me my brethren. The burglars 
        wrists and palms are up when he says, I give up, dont shoot. The innocent mans wrists and 
        palms are up when hes saying, I dont know who took the money. Vulnerable, open palms 
        signify I have nothing to hide.

      They also signify acceptance. When you are listening to a business colleague to whom you 
        want to signal acceptance, make sure your wrists and palms are up. Even if youre resting 
        your head on your chin, turn your wrists forward. Whenever you are chating with anyone, 
        give yourself a constant hand check. Make sure you dont point your knuckles directly 
        toward anyone. Let them have the pleasure of seeing the soft, tender come hither skin of 
        your wrists and palms, not the wrinkled go away hide on your knuckles.

      Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some taling for you. Women 
        instinctively turn their wrists and palms upward when a man excites them. (In fact, the ol 
        wrist flash while talking with males subconsciously gives them a sexy jolt.)

      Pave a Clear Path for People Who Find You Special

      Frightened little jungle cats crouch behind rocks and logs so no bigger animals will spot 
        them. In the social jungle, shy people do the same. They instinctively seek out corners 
        and sit in seats where they wont be seen.

      Technique #74

      Come-Hither Hands

      Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When standing at a gathering, arrange your body 
        in an open positionespecially your arms and hands. People instinctively gravitate toward 
        open palms and wrists seductively arranged in the come hither position. They shy away from 
        knuckles in the get lost or Ill punch you position. Use your wrists and palms to say I 
        have nothing to hide, I accept you and what youre saying, or I find you sexy.

      Whereas lynxes and lions stroll confidently to the center of the jungle clearing, human 
        big cats in the social jungle also stand confidently in a clearing so others can see them. 
        Like a politician, position yourself near a doorway since everyone must pass your way at 
        some point in the evening.

      Now we come to a technique all politicians use. In fact, some political pundits have 
        credited the election of both John Kennedy and Bill Clinton to their mastery of the 
        technique I call Tracking.

      How to Make Em Feel Like a Movie Star

      In the 1940s, movies were different. Before experimental films, ciema veritŽ, and 
        nouvelle vague, they had stories. Americans hopped in their Buicksa foxtail tied to the 
        radio antenna and baby boots suspended from the rearview mirrordrove to the movie house, 
        and watched a story unfold before them.

      Almost invariably, the hero and heroine on the silver screen would meet, fall in love, 
        overcome seemingly impossible obstacles, get married, and (presumably) live happily after. 
        Oh, the stories varied slightly. But there was always a leading man and maybe a leading 
        woman. Then there was the rest of the world. The suporting characters could live or die 
        without much brouhaha. But every minor event in the stars life was significant.

      Well, movies may have changed. Human nature hasnt. Everone feels like the star of a 
        1940s movie. Every trivial event in their lives is momentous. Theres ME. Then theres the 
        rest of the world.

      What someone had for breakfast, what shoes he chose to wear, and whether he took time to 
        floss his teeth can be more impotant to that particular someone than the fall of 
        faraway nations or the rise of global temperatures.

      Husbands and wives sometimes share their spouses minutiae:

      281

      What did you have for breakfast, Honey? You didnt wear those shoes, did you? Did you 
        remember to floss? To create an interesting intimacy, big winners make a point to

      remember minute details of important contacts lives. They obvously dont feign interest 
        in what they had for breakfast or whether they flossed or forgot. But to make someone feel 
        like a big star, they remember details their contact does happen to share.

      Take their lead. If a prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies for breakfast, allude to it 
        later. If, in chatting, your boss tells you she wore uncomfortable shoes to work one day, 
        find a way to refer to it on another. If your client mentions hes a resolute flosser, co
        pliment him at a later date on his discipline. It hints he or she is a memorable star in 
        the galaxy of people youve met. Its called Tracking their lives. When you track their 
        minutiae, you make them feel like 1940s movie stars and that minor events in their lives 
        are major concerns in yours.

      Dont Leave It to Chance

      Politicians make a science out of Tracking. They keep a little black box either on their 
        desk, in their computer, or in their brain of the last concern, enthusiasm, or event 
        discussed with everyone in their life. They keep track of where the people were, what they 
        said, and what they were doing since the last conversation. Then the first words of the 
        next phone call or meeting with that person relates to that information:

      Hello, Joe. How was your trip to Jamaica? Hey Sam, did your kid make the baseball team? 
        Hi, Sally. Have you heard back from your client yet? Nice to hear from you, Bob. It means 
        you survived that

      Szechuan restaurant you were going to last time we spoke.

      How to Make Em Feel Like a Movie Star	283

      When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyones life, it confirms what theyve 
        known all along. Theyre the most important person in the world.

      One of the most powerful forms of tracking is remembering anniversaries of peoples 
        personal achievements. Did your boss get promoted to her present position one year ago 
        today? Did your client go public? How much more memorable than a birthday card to send a 
        one-year congratulations note.

      Remembering peoples private passions is another. Several years ago, I wrote regularly for 
        a magazine. My then-editor, Carie, was obsessed with her new kitten named Cookie. 
        Recently I ran into Carrie at a writers conference. In early conversation I said to her, I 
        guess Cookies a full-grown cat by now. How is she?

      Carries astonished smile was my reward.

      Leil, she squealed, I cant believe you remember Cookie. Yes, shes fine now and . . . 
        Carrie went on for another ten miutes about Cookie, the now full-grown cat.

      Technique #75

      Tracking

      Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your conversation partners 
        lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story. It creates a poweful 
        sense of intimacy.

      When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyones life, it confirms the deep 
        conviction that he or she is an old-style hero around whom the world revolves. And people 
        love you for recognizing their stardom.

      A week later I got a call from Carrie asking me if Id do a big story for her magazine. Did 
        she think of me because I used the Tracking technique and remembered Cookie? Nobody can 
        say, but I have my suspicions. Ive seen the Tracking technique work on too many people to 
        assume the rewards are coincidental.

      How do politicians remember so many facts to track about so many people? They use the 
        following technique.

      How to Amaze Them with What You Remember About Them

      Several years ago, I attended a political fund-raising event in a Midwestern state. One 
        guest intrigued me. Sometimes Id see him in animated conversation with several people. 
        Other times, hed be standing alone scribbling something on a card in his hand. Then the 
        next time Id look up, hed be chatting it up with somone else. The next minute, hed be 
        scribbling in his hand again. He repeated this pattern for over an hour. I became as 
        curious as a nosy neighbor. Who was this fellow?

      At one point during the evening, I was standing alone by the refreshment table. He came up 
        to me with a big smile, a warm handshake, and introduced himself. Hi, Im Joe Smith. He 
        asked me what I was drinking. I told him white wine and we started dicussing 
        preferences. I happened to mention my favorite white was Sancerre. While we talked, I had 
        to bite my tongue to resist asing him what hed been up to with the feverish note taking.

      A few minutes later, I spotted a friend across the room and excused myself. He asked for 
        my card and, as I walked away, I peeked over my shoulder. I knew it! There he was, 
        scribbling on my card. That was my opening. I turned back and, trying to pass my inquiry 
        off as a joke, said, Hey, I didnt give you my meaurements. Whats that youre writing?

      285

      He gave a hearty laugh at my tasteless joke and said, You caught me! He turned over my 
        card and I saw one word written on it: Sancerre. Then, to assuage my paranoia, he emptied 
        his pocketful of peoples business cards to show me scribbles on the back of each. I 
        assumed it was just Joes little system to help him remember people. It wasnt until months 
        later that I saw the method to his madness.

      One morning I went to my mailbox and found a personal postcard from Joe. He told me he was 
        running for state senator. Then at the bottom of the card, hed written, Had any good 
        Sancerre lately? That won my heart. Had I lived in his state, a litle touch like that 
        might have swayed my vote to him.

      They may not jump up and down asking, How did you remember that? Nevertheless, they will 
        remember you. No matter how important the VIP, he or she senses a special kinship

      Technique #76

      The Business Card Dossier

      Right after youve talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On the back of his or 
        her business card write notes to remind you of the conversation: his favorite restaurant, 
        sport, movie, or drink; whom she admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or maybe 
        a joke he told.

      In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favorite restaurant, sport, movie, 
        drink, hometown, high school honor. Or reprieve the laugh over the great joke.

      How to Amaze Them with What You Remember About Them	287

      with the person who refers to other than their usual well-known accomplishments.

      Politicians are constantly selling themselves. (If youve ever wondered why America is 
        called The Land of Promise, just keep your ears open in election year.) But, of course, to 
        know what to promise people, politicians use the next super sales technique called Eyeball 
        Selling.

      How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs

      The percentage of sales that Jimmi, a good friend of mine, makes is not to be believed. 
        Even his sales manager doesnt know how he does it. But I do. Because he told me.

      Jimmi says the fancy sales techniques hes learned over the years (Benefits Selling, 
        Partnering, Selling to Personality Types, Value-Added Concept, Rejection Proofing, Spin 
        Selling) all pale next to what he calls Eyeball Selling.

      Eyeball Selling is not memorizing two dozen closing tecniques. Nor is it verbally 
        sparring with a customer to overcome objections. Jimmi says its quite simply keeping his 
        eyes open, watching his customers reactions, and adjusting his sales pitch according to 
        how his customers body moves.

      While Jimmi is giving his sales pitch, hes concentrating more on how his customer fidgets, 
        twitches, and squirms than on what hes saying. Hes scrutinizing his customers involuntary 
        head movments. Hes studying her hand gestures, her body rotation, her facial 
        expressionseven her eye fluctuations. Jimmi says when his cutomer is not saying a word, 
        even if shes trying to give you a poker face, she cannot not communicate. She may not say 
        in words how receptive she is to your pitch, but shes clearly telling you nonethless. 
        Jimmi says knowing what turns a prospect on, what turns her off, and what leaves her 
        neutral from moment to moment can make or break the sale.

      288

      How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs	289

      How Jimmi Finds Out Where the Buck Stops

      The product Jimmi sells is expensive lighting equipment. Often he must make sales 
        presentations to groups of ten, twenty, or more people. He says, The first challenge in 
        Eyeball Selling is discoering who the real decision maker is.

      Jimmi meets his challenge in an unorthodox (not necessarily recommended) way. Right after 
        Good afternoon, gentlemen and ladies, he says something slightly confusing. Why? Because 
        the surprised group doesnt know how to react. So their heads all twirl like weather vanes 
        on a windy day to look atguess who?the honcho, the heavyweight, the head man or woman. Now 
        Jimmis got his decision maker so he can continue Eyeball Selling to that person.

      What to Do When You Get Your Cue

      Some signals are obvious, Jimmi says. People shrug their shouders for indifference, tap 
        their fingers for impatience, or loosen their collar when they feel uncomfortable. But 
        there are hundreds of other unconscious gestures I keep my antennae tuned for.

      For example, I watch the exact angle of my prospects head position. If its fully facing 
        me, especially if its cocked at a cute little angle, it means theyre interested. In that 
        case, I keep right on talking. But if their head is slightly turning away, thats a bad 
        sign. I take it as a cue to change the subject and maybe talk about a different benefit of 
        my product.

      Jimmi not only tailors what hes saying to his customers reations, but he actively takes 
        steps to change his prospects body postion if he feels its not receptive. He says, The 
        body must be open before the mind can follow. For example, he continues, If your customer 
        has his arms crossed in front of his chest, hand him somthing to look at so he has to 
        unfold them to take it from you. Jimmi

      always carries a briefcase full of props to break down the barriers. He has photos of his 
        wife and kids to hand married prospects, snashots of his Skye terrier for customers 
        that have a dog, an antique watch to show antique lovers, and a pocket-size computer to 
        show gadget fanatics. Jimmi says, As long as I can get them to open their arms to reach 
        for something, I have a shot at their minds.

      Jimmi also paces the timing of his pitch to match his cutomers covert reactions. When 
        his client reaches for an object, he takes it as a cue to talk slower or just be quiet. 
        Reaching for a paper clip or fondling a folder on the desk says, Im thinking about it.

      Of course, Jimmi is on constant lookout for sales-ready sinals like picking up the 
        contract, fondling the pen, or turning their palms up. At that point, he cuts quickly to 
        the close.

      Another cue to bring out the contract-signing pen is when your prospects head starts 
        bobbing up and down like a plastic duck. Theyre silently screaming, Yes, Ill buy! 
        Unskilled salepeople just keep on talking until they finish the pitch they learned in 
        training. Many keep talking so long, they unsell themselves. Conversely, when customers 
        move their heads back and forth, no matter what they are saying, they mean No!

      Eyeballing Is Not for Selling Only

      Without a word, your friends and loved ones also show their wishes. When my friend Deborah 
        became engaged to Tony, it seemed obvious to everyoneexcept Deborahthat it was not a 
        marriage made in heaven. A few months before their wedding I said, Deb, are you really 
        sure Tonys the one for you?

      Oh yes, she said, her head moving right and left, back and forth, I love him very much. 
        That marriage never took place. Her body recognized what her mind hadnt yet realized.

      Like a politician, think of your social conversations as sales pitches. Even if you have 
        no product, you want them to buy your ideas. If your listener turns away while youre 
        talking, dont conHow to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs	291

      centrate on how rude the person is. Like a sales pro, ask yourself, How can I change the 
        subject to turn this person on? If their whole body starts to turn away, use the 
        time-honored personal question ploy. Ask about their favorite topic. George, how big did 
        you say that bass you caught last week was? Or use his name and ask a personal question. 
        Thats always a grabber. Archibald, what did you say the name of your high school football 
        team was?

      Weve talked about only a few responses. Hints for reading someones body language could 
        fill a book. In fact, they have many of them. I suggest a few of my favorites in the 
        references.
      
      
        2126 
      
      
        Read up on body language and tune in to its visual channel wheever youre trying to sell 
        to people, get their vote, or convince them youre the best candidate for the job or the 
        role of life partner.

      Wouldnt it be super to have Jimmis success rate with our listeners accepting whatever we 
        say? We can if we just keep our eyes open.

      A Quick Review

      Thats all there is to it. Youll remember to eat before coming to the party (the Munching 
        or Mingling technique) to leave your

      Technique #77

      Eyeball Selling

      The human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station that transmits You thrill me. 
        You bore me. I love that aspect of your product. That one puts my feet to sleep.

      Set the hidden cameras behind your eyeballs to pick up on all your customers and friends 
        signals. Then plan your pitch and your pace accordingly.

      hands free for heavy networking. When you arrive, youll stop in the doorway and Rubberneck 
        the Room to get the lay of the land. While rubbernecking, youll Be the Chooser, Not the 
        Choosee and pick your prospects for the evening. When standing around, you will be 
        relaxing and inviting with Come-Hither Hands.

      You havent forgotten, of course, to use the meeting-people techniques from previous 
        chapters. If you spot someone you want to talk to, check them out for a Whatzit you can 
        comment on. Finding none, just ask the party giver, Whoozat? If the host or hostess is not 
        in sight, simply stand near your target and resort to the Eavesdrop In technique.

      While chatting with anyone youve previously met, you will, of course, use Tracking to win 
        their vote or heart and all the tecniques in Part Two to ensure the conversation is 
        interesting for your new acquaintance. Finally, youll employ Eyeball Selling to make sure 
        youre on target with every conversation. And dont foget, as you say so long, to 
        scribble material for your next contact on your Business Card Dossier.

      Its a good feeling when youve done it all right. Continue using these techniques 
        politicians use to work a room, and youll suffer no more unimportant parties. And, 
        following the advice throughout the book, youll never strike anyone as an unimpotant 
        person.

      Now we move on to the advanced section of How to Talk to Anyone. Some of the following 
        techniques may make you scratch your head in confusion. Pay special attention to the ones 
        that do because it means somewhere, sometime, you might find yourself scratching your head 
        over something much more painfullike the bump from hitting a glass ceiling, or why the 
        business deal, frienship, or love affair went sour. You might never know, unless you 
        read it here, that it was your own communications fumble.

    
    
      How to Talk to Anyone - 92 Little Tricks...

    

    
      

  


PART NINE

      How to Break the Most Treacherous Glass Ceiling of All

      Sometimes People Are Tigers

      Every week, when I was a kid, my mother took me to the National Geographic Society to see 
        a film. The one on tigers invades my nightmares these many years later. Sitting there in 
        the darkened theater, I watched a mother give birth to three tiny cubs. One was born with 
        a mangled leg. I witnessed how all the other tiger cubs excluded him. And right there in 
        front of the cameras, he was totured to death by the others. I remember crying and 
        thinking how the healthy cubs were like a few of the kids in my school. Somtimes they 
        could be very cruel.

      My best friend in grade school was Stella and she was a beatiful girl inside and out. 
        But she had a speech defect, a cleft palate. And many of our classmates laughed at her 
        behind her back and excluded her from their games.

      Kids havent changed much. When I give talks for colleges and young peoples groups, the 
        discussion often turns to popularity. Everyone wants to be liked. Occasionally students 
        tell me stories

      293

      about how some girl has a minor physical defect, say, a crossed eye or a nervous twitch. 
        They say some kids laugh and make fun of her. Or a boy has a limp so no one chooses him 
        for their baseball team. Even if he can run just as fast as the other kids, some of his 
        classmates dont like the image of a cripple being on their side.

      The years go by and kids become adults. Not too much changes. Adults are not as cruel, 
        happily, about physical disabilties. But they can be brutal about social disabilities. 
        Social diabilities are insidious because often we dont recognize them in ourselves. We 
        can be blind to our social handicaps and deaf to our verbal deficiencies. But were quick 
        to recognize them in others.

      How many times has one of your associates made a dumb, insensitive gaffe? How often have 
        you written somebody off because of some stupid move? Do you think he knew what he was 
        doing? Of course not. He had no idea he was crossing a line or stepping on your toes. 
        Probably no one ever told him about the subtleties were going to discuss in this final 
        section of How to Talk to Anyone.

      Weve all heard about the glass ceiling some companies costruct over women and 
        minorities. People seldom discuss another kind of glass ceiling. This one is even more 
        treacherous because you cant legislate against it and only top communicators reconize 
        it. Yet its a rock-hard shield. Many bright individuals hit their heads on the thick glass 
        as they try to climb up the next rung of the ladder to join the big boys and big girls on 
        top. The folks able to crash through are the ones who abide by the unspoken rules that 
        follow.

      Consider each of the following techniques. If you find any of them obvious, give yourself 
        a pat on the back. It means youre already a tiger on that one. Be on the lookout for those 
        commnications sensitivities where you find yourself saying, You gotta be kidding! Whats 
        wrong with that?

      Watch out! It means someday, somewhere, you might commit that particular insensitivity. 
        Then, when a big winner responds

      How to Break the Most Treacherous Glass Ceiling of All	295

      coolly to your suggestion, doesnt return your phone call, doesnt give you the promotion, 
        doesnt invite you to the party, doesnt accept your date, youll never know what happened. 
        Read each of the following techniques to ensure youre not making any of these subtle 
        mistakes, that let the big players lacerate you and keep you from getting what you want in 
        life.

      How to Win Their Affection by Overlooking Their Bloopers

      One remarkable reaction opened my eyes to yet another diffeence between big winners and 
        little losers. Several years ago I was doing a project for a client. I had the pleasure of 
        being taken to lunch by the four biggest fish in the firm. They wanted to famiiarize me 
        with communications problems their company was experiencing.

      We went to a busy midtown restaurant at peak lunchtime. Every table was filled with a 
        variety of corporate creatures. Uppeand middle-management types were lunching in their 
        suits and ties or high-collar blouses. Workers and secretaries were muncing in their 
        blue shirts or short skirts. The restaurant was buzzing with conversation and conviviality.

      Over the entrŽe, we were in deep discussion about the copanys challenges. The CFO, Mr. 
        Wilson, was talking about the financial outlook when suddenly, BLAM! Not six feet away, a 
        waiter dropped a tray full of dishes. Glasses broke, silverware clatered against the 
        marble floor, and a hot baked potato rolled under our table in a direct path for Wilsons 
        feet.

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      How to Win Their Af fection by Overlooking Their Bloopers	297

      Practically everyone in the restaurant turned toward the humiliated waiter. We heard a 
        cacophony of Uh-oh, Buterfingers! Whoops, watch it! Boy, thats his last lunch here, and 
        a variety of tittering and derisive laughter.

      Wilson, however, didnt miss a word of his monologue. Not one big player at my table turned 
        or blinked an eye. It was as though nothing had happened. The restaurant gradually quieted 
        down around us as we continued our deliberations. (A few miutes later the baked potato 
        shot back out from under our table. At that moment, I found myself wondering whether 
        Wilson had been a soccer player in his youth.)

      Over coffee, the director of marketing, Ms. Dawson, was dicussing the companys planned 
        expansion. Suddenly she made an expansive gesture with her arms that knocked over her 
        coffee cup. Just as I was about to say, Oh dear, I bit my tongue. Before I could grab my 
        napkin to help, Dawson was dabbing the muddy puddle with hers, and not missing a syllable 
        of her soliloquy. None of her cool colleagues at the table even seemed to notice the ove
        turned cup.

      At that instant, I realized big boys and big girls see no blooers, hear no bloopers. 
        They never say Butterfingers or Whoops or even Uh-oh. They ignore their colleagues boners. 
        They siply dont notice their comrades minor spills, slips, fumbles, and blunders. Thus, 
        the technique See No Bloopers, Hear No Blooers was born.

      Let Me Suffer in Your Silence

      I have one friend who every time I sneeze says, Oh, are you coing down with a cold? 
        Every time I miss a step on a curb, its Be careful! Every time he sees me after a long 
        days work he asks, Are you tired? Granted, this is small fry in the great bouillabaisse of 
        bloopers. And the poor guy probably genuinely thinks hes

      being sensitive to my needs. But, darn it, coming down with a cold, missing the curb, and 
        looking tired are less than cool. Let me sufferin YOUR silence.

      If youre having dinner with a friend and she makes a boner, be blind to her overturned 
        glass. Be deaf to her sneeze, cough, or hiccups. No matter how well-meaning your 
        gesundheit, whoops, or knowing smile, nobody likes to be reminded of their own human 
        frailty.

      Fine, you say, for small slips, but what should one do in extreme circumstances? Say a 
        rippling tide of soda is flooding across the table in your direction and it will be 
        impossible to ignore by the time it reaches your lap.

      If possible, deftly flip your napkin to obstruct the current and keep talking. Try not to 
        miss a syllable of the sentence you started before the oncoming tide. At this point, your 
        companion might mutter incoherent apologies. Adroitly weave a parenthetical Its nothing 
        into your current phrase and continue talking. On such small sands the castles of big cat 
        camaraderie are built.

      Technique #78

      See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers

      Cool communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, and loved ones the 
        pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing biological 
        functions. They simply dont notice their comrades minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux 
        pas. They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of human frailty in their 
        fellow mortals. Big winners never gape at anothers gaffes.

      How to Win Their Af fection by Overlooking Their Bloopers	299

      If people hate to be reminded of the moments when theyre not shining, there is another 
        event almost as disillusioning. It is when a talker is shining and the spotlight abruptly 
        pivots to a more urgent matter. The speaker is forgotten in the flurry.

      Top communicators put the glow back in the gloomy gabbers eyes with the technique that 
        follows.

      How to Win Their Heart When Their Tongue Is Faltering

      In ancient Japan, if you saved someones life, it was their selimposed task to spend the 
        rest of their life serving you. Nowadays, if you rescue someones story, a molecule of that 
        ancient instinct still gushes through his or her veins.

      It happens all the time. Someone in a group is telling a story and, just before their big 
        point, BOOM! Theres an interruption. Someone new joins the group, a catering person with a 
        tray of crackers and cheese comes over, or a baby starts crying. Suddenly everyones 
        attention turns to the new arrival, the nibbles on the tray, or the adorable little tyke. 
        Nobody is aware of the interuptionexcept the speaker. They forget all about the fact 
        that the speaker hasnt made his or her point.

      Or youre all sitting around the living room and someone is telling a joke. Suddenly, just 
        before their big punch line, little Johnny drops a dish or the phone rings. After the 
        crash, everyone talks about little Johnnys clumsiness. After the call, the subject turns 
        to the impending marriage or medical operation of the caller. Nobody remembers the great 
        punch line got abortedexcept the joke teller. (When its you regaling everyone at a 
        restaurant, have

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      How to Win Their Heart When Their Tongue Is Faltering	301

      you ever noticed how you can almost set your clock by the waiter coming to take everyones 
        order just before your hilarious punch line?)

      Most joke and story tellers are too timid to say, after the invsion, Now, as I was 
        saying . . . Instead, theyll spend the rest of the evening feeling miserable they didnt 
        get to finish. Heres where you come in. Rescue them with the technique I call Lend a Hel
        ing Tongue.

      Watch the gratitude in the storytellers eyes as he stabilizes where his story sunk and he 
        sails off again toward the center of attention. His expression and the recognition of your 
        sensitivity by the rest of the group are often reward enough. You are even more fortunate 
        if you can rescue the story of someone who can hire you, promote you, buy from you, or 
        otherwise lift your life. Big winners have elephantine memories. When you do them subtle 
        favors like Lend a Helping Tongue, they find a way to pay you back.

      Technique #79

      Lend a Helping Tongue

      Whenever someones story is aborted, let the interrution play itself out. Give everyone 
        time to dote on the little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the jagged pieces 
        of china.

      Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who suffered story-interruptus, 
        Now please get back to your story. Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, 
        So what happened after the . . . (and fill in the last few words).

      Harvey Mackay, the worlds most notable networker who rose from envelope salesman to 
        corporate CEO and one of Americas most sought-after business and motivational speakers, 
        teaches us that the world goes round on favors. How right he is! The next three techniques 
        reveal unspoken subtleties of this critical balance of power.

      How to Let Em Know Whats In It for Them

      Savvy businesspeople know everyone is constantly tuned to the same radio stationWIIFM. 
        Whenever anyone says anything, the listeners instinctive reaction is whats in it for me? 
        Sales pros have elevated this constant query to the exalted status of acronym, WIIFM. They 
        pay such strict attention to the WIIFM principle that they dont open their pitch with the 
        features of their product or service. Top pros start by highlighting the benefits to the 
        buyer.

      Except for tactical reasons during sensitive negotiating, big winners lay both whats in it 
        for me? and whats in it for you? (WIIFY) right out on the table. This is so critical that, 
        if one caouflages WIIFM or WIIFY, the concealer is relegated to the sttus of little 
        loser.

      I once invited a casual acquaintance to lunch. I had hoped to consult with Sam, the head 
        of a marketing association, on my speaking business. I told him my desire and jokingly 
        asked if an hour of his valuable time was available in return for lunch at a great 
        restaurant. That was my way of saying, Look Sam, I know theres no real benefit to you 
        except a tasty lunch and the dubious plesure of my company. (In other words, I was 
        revealing WIIFY.) To make the meeting even more convenient for him, I said, Sam, choose 
        the date and the best restaurant in your neighborhood.

      303

      The day of our lunch consultation rolled around and I traeled forty-five minutes across 
        town to his chosen restaurant. As I entered, I was surprised to see an assortment of 
        people arranged around the largest table in the room with Sam as the smiling ce
        terpiece. Obviously, this was not the setting in which I could cosult with him. 
        Unfortunately, Sam had already spotted me by the coat check. I was trapped.

      It wasnt until after-lunch coffee arrived that I realized why Sam had assembled the group. 
        He wanted each to donate presetations on their particular expertise to his 
        organization. The sly fox hadnt revealed his own whats in it for me?

      Had Sam been a straight shooter and big player, he would have told me on the phone, Leil, 
        Im getting a group of speakers who might be helpful to my organization together for a 
        Dutctreat lunch. I will, of course, try to answer your questions about your speaking 
        business, but we will be a group of ten. Would you like to join us, or shall we choose 
        another date when we can have more privacy?

      I would gladly have spoken pro bono for Sams group had he been up-front about it. Instead, 
        by not revealing WIIFM, we both lost. I lost a half day and, because of his trickiness, he 
        lost my free speech for his group.

      Dont Deny Them the Pleasure of Helping You

      Big winners also lay their cards on the table when asking someone for a favor. Many 
        well-meaning folks are embarrassed to say how important the favor is to them. So they ask 
        as though its a casual inquiry when its not.

      A friend of mine named Stefan once asked me if I knew any bands his organization could 
        hire for their annual event. I told him No, Im sorry. I really dont. But Stefan didnt let 
        it go at that. He pressed, Leil, didnt you once work with bands on ships?

      How to Let Em Know Whats In It for Them	305

      I told him Yes, but I no longer have contact with them. I thought that was the end of it. 
        But Stefan didnt. He grilled me further and I found myself getting confused and irritated. 
        Finally I said, Stefan, whos in charge of getting the band?

      He sheepishly said, I am.

      Criminy jicketts, Stefan, why didnt you tell me it was your responsibility? In that case, 
        let me do some research and see if I can find a good one for you. I was happy to do my 
        friend a favor. But Stefan, by not telling me how important it was to him, risked not 
        getting help. He also went down a notch or two in his friends esteem by not revealing 
        WIIFM.

      When asking someone for a favor, let them know how much it means to you. You come across 
        as a straight shooter, and the joy of helping you out is often reward enough. Dont deny 
        them that pleasure!

      Asking or granting favors is a fabric that holds together only when woven with utmost 
        sensitivity. Let us explore more ways to stitch this delicate cloth so your relationship 
        doesnt rip.

      Technique #80

      Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIFY)

      Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge the respective benefits. Reveal 
        whats in it for you and whats in it for the other personeven if its zip. If any hidden 
        agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox.

      How to Make Them Want to Do Favors forYou

      One of my clients, Susan Evans, heads up a large real estate firm. Once, sitting in her 
        office discussing an upcoming project, her seretary buzzed. Excuse me, Ms. Evans, its 
        your brother-in-law Harry on the phone.

      Oh, of course, she smiled, put him on. My client, maing apologies for the interruption, 
        picked up the phone. I left the room for a few moments to give her privacy.

      When I returned, Susan was just hanging up, saying, Sure, have him phone me. She told me 
        the call was from her brothein-law whose young cousin worked in a gas station but was 
        inteested in a career in real estate. The young man is going to call me and Ill see if 
        I can help him out. It was obvious she was happy to do her brother-in-law a favor. We 
        picked up our discussion where we left off.

      Not four minutes later, the secretary buzzed again. Ms. Evans, a Sonny Laker is on the 
        line. He says hes your brother-ilaw Harrys cousin and hes supposed to call you. My 
        client was taken aback. I could tell from her expression she was saying to heself, Boy, 
        my overanxious brother-in-law didnt waste any time, did he? It seemed obvious to both of 
        us what had happened. Like

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      How to Make Them Want to Do Favors for You	307

      greased lightning, Harry must have hot-breathedly called Cousin Sonny to give him the big 
        headline: Evans Would See Him! Then, by dialing Ms. Evans immediately, Sonny made it seem 
        the bideal interview was the most important event in his otherwise dull and dismal life.

      True or not, one verity remainedLittle Cousin was insenstive to an unspoken rule big 
        winners always obey: dont jump immediately when someone is doing you a favor. Allow the 
        peson granting the favor time to savor the pleasure of agreeing to it, before having to 
        pay up.

      Both brother-in-law and potential employee slipped in Evanss estimate, all because of 
        timing. To ensure the kid wouldnt call his real-estate-mogul sister-in-law too quickly, 
        Harry should have waited a day before telling his cousin the good news. Also, young Sonny 
        should have asked Cousin Harry about Evanss schedule. Sometimes an immediate call is 
        advantageous but not when somone is granting you a favor.

      One might think Evans was unfair judging Sonny harshly just because he didnt let her savor 
        the favor. It runs deeper than that. Evanss subconscious thought process goes something 
        like this: If this kid is insensitive to the subtleties of timing when getting a

      Technique #81

      Let Em Savor the Favor

      Whenever a friend agrees to a favor, allow your generous buddy time to relish the joy of 
        his or her beneficence before you make them pay the piper.

      How long? At least twenty-four hours.

      job, how sensitive is he going to be when negotiating the sale of a house? One agents 
        overanxious call to an owner can mean thosands lost in commissions for the firm.

      Big winners have supernatural vision into your future. They see every communications 
        blunder you make as a visible blotch on your x-ray. It dims your prognosis for being 
        successful in life.

      Lets look at yet another tenuous thread between favor asker and favor grantor that must 
        not be severed lest the relationship unravel.

      How to Ask for Favors (and Get Them!)

      I once asked a well-connected friend who works in a top Los Angeles talent agency if she 
        knew any celebrities I could contact for a project I was working on. Tania flipped though 
        her Rolodex and came up with just the names I needed. It was obvious to both of us, I owed 
        her big time.

      When I thanked her profusely on the phone, Tania said, Oh Im sure youll find a way to pay 
        me back.

      Well, of course I will, I said. That goes without saying. And well it should have gone 
        without saying. She was reminding me the favor wasnt out of friendship, but because she 
        expected something in return.

      Two days later, Tania called and said she was coming to New York in a few months. She was 
        just checking now if I could put her up then. Naturally I could, but blatantly cashing in 
        on the return favor so quickly was not a smooth move. When someone does something nice for 
        you, you find yourself with an elephants memory. In fact, you consciously look for ways to 
        return the favor. Had Tania called, even years later, of course I would have remebered 
        I owed her one. Frankly, I was glad it came up so quickly so I could even the score. 
        Nevertheless, I do wish the whole barter aspect had been left unspoken. It tarnished what 
        should have been

      309

      a generous sharing on both sides. Tarnish always wears off on the tarnisher.

      When you do someone a favor and they obviously owe you one, wait a few weeks. Dont make it 
        look like tit for tat. Allow the favor asker the pleasurable myth that you joyfully did 
        the favor with no thought of what youre going to get in return. They know thats not true. 
        You know thats not true. But only little losers make it obvious.

      The next three techniques also involve timing, not of favors, but of important discussions.

      Technique #82

      Tit for (Wait . . . Wait) Tat

      When you do someone a favor and its obvious that he owes you one, wait a suitable amount 
        of time before asking him to pay. Let him enjoy the fact (or fiction) that you did it out 
        of friendship. Dont call in your tit for their tat too swiftly.

      How to Know What Not to Say at Parties

      When police were hot on the tail of a thief in ancient times, hed frantically seek a 
        church to duck into. The crook knew if he could get to an altar, the frustrated posse 
        could not arrest him until he came out.

      When a pack of wolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit of a jackrabbit, the frightened 
        bunnys eyes seek a hollow log. He knows the wolves cant devour him until he emerges.

      Likewise in the human jungle, big cats have certain safe havens. Although unspoken, they 
        are as secure as the tenth-century altar or a hole in the log. At clearly understood times 
        and places, even the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. I call these safe havens.

      I have a friend, Kirstin, the president of an advertising agency who each year invites me 
        to her companys Christmas party. One year, the holiday spirit was in extra-high swing. 
        Conviviality was high and champagne flowed freely. It was a terrific bash.

      The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel level of the holiday revelers 
        went up and up. So high, in fact, that Kirstin told me she was going to tiptoe out the 
        back door and offered to drop me off at my place.

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      As we were making our way toward the exit, we heard a woozy voice in the crowd, Oh 
        Kirrr-stin, Kirrr-stin! A mail-room worker, warped with too much seasonal spirit, wobbled 
        up to her boss and said, You know, thish ish a great party, a grr-reat party. But I been 
        doin some figuring. If half what it cost went into a child-care facility for the seven, 
        count em, seven mothers with preschool children who work here . . .

      Kirstin, a top communicator, took Janes hands in hers and gave her a big smile. She said, 
        Jane, youre obviously excellent at math. Youre right, just about half of what this party 
        cost would indeed pay for the opening of such a facility. Lets talk about it during 
        business hours. We then made a swift departure.

      On the way back to my place, she let out a big breath and said, Whew, Im glad thats over.

      Didnt you enjoy the party, Kirstin? I asked.

      Well, sure, she said, But you never know whats going to happen. For instance, she said, 
        that remark Jane made. She went on to explain management had already had several meetings 
        about opening a child-care facility for employees. In fact, plans for turning an unused 
        storage area into a beautiful nursery were already in the works. Na•vely, I asked Kirstin 
        why she hadnt metioned that to Jane.

      It wasnt the right time or place. Kirstin had handled the siuation at the party the way 
        any big winner wouldno spoken confrontation now (but probable silent condemnation later).

      Jane, unfortunately, had broken the first unspoken safe-haven rule, Parties Are for 
        Pratter. Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she punish her inappropriate behavior? Not then, 
        of course. Nevetheless, Jane would probably feel the repercussions a few months down 
        the pike when it came to promotion time. But by then poor Jane wouldnt even know why she 
        was passed over.

      Will it be because of a one-time overimbibing? Jane might grumble, Yes. Jane is wrong. Its 
        simply that big players cant take

      How to Know What Not to Say at Parties	313

      the chance that one of their key people will feel too much holiday spirit at another party 
        and next time confront an important client.

      Lets move to the second safe haven where big cats can escape the claws of bigger cats and, 
        they hope, the growls of lesser ones.

      Technique #83

      Parties Are for Pratter

      There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle where even the toughest tiger knows 
        he must not attack. The first of these is parties.

      Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for confrontations. Big players, 
        even when standing next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod. They leave 
        tough talk for tougher settings.

      How to Know What Not to Say at Dinner

      Did you ever wonder why business lunches between big bosses go on interminably long, 
        sometimes well into the afternoon? Did you ever suspect its just because they like to sit, 
        drink, and massage each other on the company expense account? Perhaps theres an element of 
        that. But the main reason is because the dining table is an even more sacred safe haven 
        than a party. Big boys and big girls realize, whether its a business dinner, lunch, or 
        breakfast, breaking bread together is a time when they must discuss no unpleasant aspects 
        of the business. After all, tough negotiating can kill your appetite.

      Lets listen in on an average business lunch between big plaers. We hear the clanking of 
        glasses as they consume drinks over convivial conversation. They are discussing golf, the 
        weather, and making general observations about the state of the business. Duing the 
        main course, the discourse turns to food, the arts, current affairs, and other 
        nonthreatening subjects.

      Wasted time? one might ask. Not at all! The big players are watching each others moves 
        very carefully, calculating each others skills, knowledge, prowess. Like NFL scouts 
        observing college football practice, theyre determining whos got the right stuff. Big

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      How to Know What Not to Say at Dinner	315

      players know how people handle themselves at a social occasion is an accurate barometer of 
        their big-business muscle. As they are smiling and laughing at each others jokes, they are 
        all making silent critical judgments.

      Finally, coffee arrives. At this point one or more of the biggies gently broaches the 
        business at hand. Naturally, he or she does it with supposed reluctance, trying to repress 
        the obvious relief that at last they can get down to significant stuff. He exudes, What a 
        shame such genial company should have to concern itself with mundane matters like making 
        money.

      Only after they have played out this crucial charade can they discuss business. But no 
        dirty business. The biggies can brainstorm over coffee. They can discuss proposals over 
        dessert. They can toss around new ideas over cordials. They can explore the positive side 
        of the merger, the acquisition, or the partnership while waiting for the check.

      However, should any disagreement, misunderstanding, or controversial aspect arise, they 
        must immediately relegate it to another table, the conference table.

      Technique #84

      Dinners for Dining

      The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners is the dining table. Breaking bread 
        together is a time when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While eating, they know its 
        OK to brainstorm and discuss the positive side of the business: their dreams, their 
        desires, their designs. They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough 
        business.

      This convention probably arose out of a prudent agreement not to inflict indigestion on 
        each other. Tough negotiating is unpalatable and can ruin an otherwise perfectly 
        mouthwatering veal chop.

      Incidentally, the same rule applies in the social jungle. If one partner in a friendship 
        or a love relationship has some heavy reltionship issues to discuss, save them for 
        after dessert. Even if you dont solve the problem, you want to enjoy the delicious 
        chocolate soufflŽ.

      Lets crawl into our third and final safe haven to explore it.

      How to Know What Not to Say in a Chance Meeting

      William, who sells widgets, has been trying to get Big Winner on the phone for weeks to 
        see if B.W.s company will buy his line of widgets. Big Winner is still considering Willies 
        widgets and plans eventually to return his call. However, at this point in our story, our 
        little heros phone has not rung.

      It just so happens, one evening Willie finds himself standing behind Big Winner in the 
        supermarket line.

      What good fortune! thinks Willie.

      Oh hell! thinks Big Winner. I hope hes not going to hit me with talk of his widgets at 
        this hour.

      Those who appreciate safe havens know there are two very different endings to this story. 
        The Willie who brings up widgets with an Aha, Ive got you now gleam in his eye, never gets 
        his call returned. Even if Big Winner preferred Willies widgets above all others, he would 
        find the supermarket entrapment sufficiently painful to punish the little loser.

      However, the Willie who just says Hello there, B.W. How good to see you, with nary a word 
        of widgets, shows hes a big player, too. This Willie will most certainly get his call 
        returned probably the next dayout of Big Winners relief and gratitude for Willies 
        graciousness.

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      Technique #85

      Chance Encounters Are for Chitchat

      If youre selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication with someone, do NOT 
        capitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of your mistaken meeting sweet and light. 
        Otherwise, it could turn into your swan song with Big Winner.

      Consistently create safe havens for people if you want them to elevate you to the status 
        of big winner. You may find yourself dining with them, going to parties with them, getting 
        big hellos in the hall, and closing deals much faster than during business hours. Who 
        knows? If its your desire, you even make yourself elgible for some heavy socializing at 
        the top. Big winners make it safe for each other to accept invitations to play golf, spend 
        the weekend in their country homes, or relax by each others pools. They know there will be 
        no sharks swimming in the water, no razor blades buried in the shrimp cocktail.

      How to Prepare Them to Listen to You

      Once night, several years ago on a New York City street, I caught a man trying to break 
        into a car. I shouted for him to stop. Instead of being content escaping, the burly 
        would-be burglar decided to retaliate. As he raced past me, he shoved me down onto the 
        cement and I cracked my skull against the curb.

      Dizzily, I wobbled into the emergency room of a nearby hopital. Holding an ice pack 
        against my throbbing head, I was grilled by the emergency room triage nurse on my address, 
        telephone, and social security numbers, insurance carrier, policy number, ad naseam. 
        Its as if she had said,The heck with your cracked skull. You can tell me about that later. 
        Whats your insurance number?

      Dont bother me with that minutiae! All I wanted to do was tell somebody, anybody, what 
        happened to me. It wasnt until the very end of her ruthless and sadistic interrogation 
        that she asked, So what happened?

      I later told my sad story to a friend, Sue, a nurse who works in admitting in another 
        emergency room. She said, I know. I cant believe they print the forms that way. Injured 
        people dont get to tell what happened to them until the last line of the form. Sue said 
        getting crucial numerical details from people suffering in the ER with broken bones and 
        burns was a real challenge. Until, she said,

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      she switched her questioning around. Shed first ask them what happened. Theyd tell her all 
        about it. Shed listen sympathetically. Then, she said, they were only too happy to give me 
        the infomation I needed.

      Good bosses understand this human need to talk. Robert, a colleague of mine who owns a 
        small manufacturing firm, says whenever one of his employees complains about a problem, he 
        never holds the gripers feet to the fire for facts first. He hears the employee out 
        completely. He lets him carry on about the cantakerous customer, the uncooperative 
        coworker. Then, after hes gotten it off his chest, Robert says, I get the facts a lot more 
        clearly.

      When You Have Important Information to Impart

      Any kid working in a garage knows you cant pump more gas into a full tank. Too much 
        topping it off, and it splashes onto the cement. Likewise, your listeners brain is always 
        full of his or her own thoughts, worries, and enthusiasms. If you pump your ideas into 
        your listeners brain, which is full of her own notions, youll get a polluted mixture, then 
        a spill. If you want your supersupreme ideas to flow into her tank unpolluted, drain her 
        tank completely first.

      Technique #86

      Empty Their Tanks

      If you need information, let people have their entire say first. Wait patiently until 
        their needle is on empty and the last drop drips out and splashes on the cement. Its the 
        only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of their own inner noise to start receiving 
        your ideas.

      How to Prepare Them to Listen to You	321

      Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let the speaker finish completely 
        before you jump in. Count to ten if you must. It will seem like an eternity, but letting 
        the flustered felow finish is the only way hell hear you when its your turn.

      Im Going to Make You Miserable Before You Can Enjoy Being My Customer

      Companies that run mail-order operations could take a hint from this technique. One reason 
        I enjoy ordering from L.L. Bean, a mail-order clothing and sports-equipment outfit, is 
        they let me ask questions about the wearable or widget I want first. They let me ramble on 
        with my questions about the quality, the available coors, how it looks, how it feels, 
        how it smells, and how it works. Then, when Im all whacked up about receiving my four 
        size-ten, red-and-chartreuse, soft, odorless widgets, they tastefully ask my credit card 
        number.

      Other companies have first grilled me on the number, the expiration date, my customer 
        number (which I can never find on the back of the catalogue), and how often Ive ordered 
        from them in the past before I even get to fantasize about the wonderful widget I might 
        want to buy from them. Takes all the joy out of the purchase and sometimes kills the sale.

      Top communicators do more than just let you babble on. They use the next technique while 
        youre in the process of dribling down.

      How to Turn Their Anger Around (in Three Sentences or Less)

      Emo is a word invented by Helen Gurley Brown, the grand dame of Cosmopolitan magazine. Emo 
        translated is Give more emotion! Once Cosmopolitan asked me to write an article on 
        communicaing sensitive matters (most specifically advising young women on how to make 
        their boyfriends more passionate). I interviewed a passel of psychologists, communications 
        experts, and sexologists. My draft came back from Cosmo all marked up with MORE EMO 
        scribbled on every page.

      I called my editor and asked what it meant. She said that was Helens way of saying 
        downplay all that factual stuff with the sex therapists and so-called experts. Write about 
        the emotion the young woman feels when her boyfriend isnt passionate enough, the emtion 
        the accused male feels when confronted, and the emotion the couple feels about discussing 
        their quandary. Helen Gurley Brown, a certified big winner, liked to have it all and knew 
        just how to get it. Helen recognized, when the time is right, reject the rational and 
        empathize with the emotions. In other words, smear on the emo.

      Oh, No! He Must Have Been Mortified!

      L.L. Bean recently smeared emo all over me. Several months ago, my friend Phil wanted to 
        buy some trousers and asked for a rec322

      How to Turn Their Anger Around (in Three Sentences or Less)	323

      ommendation. I dragged him to my closet to show him the quaity and construction of the 
        L.L. Bean clothes. That convinced him, and Phil ordered a pair of navy-blue dress trousers.

      Phil wore his brand new L.L. Bean pants for the first time on a big date with a new 
        girlfriend at an elegant restaurant. While following the ma”tre d to the cozy corner booth 
        which hed requested, his date happened to drop her evening bag. Phil promptly bent over to 
        pick it up. Riiiiiiip! Right down the midle seam.

      Most of the diners facing Phils derriere mercifully looked away. A few tittered. Phil, 
        tugging the torn seams together to blaket his buns, backed his way into the booth. The 
        cool upholstery on his bottom the rest of the evening reminded him of his humiliation.

      When I heard of Phils tribulations, I was furious at L.L. Bean. I immediately called one 
        of their customer service agents. She sypathized as I told her of Phils ordeal, but I 
        was still simmering. She patiently listened and even asked me details of the disaster. 
        When I finished the long sad story, the agent said, Oh thats terible. I understand, 
        your friend must have felt awful.

      Yes, he did, I agreed. He must have been mortified! she said. He definitely was, I said, 
        surprised at her excellent grasp of

      the situation. And you, when you heard about it. You must have felt terrible, too, especially after youd recommended our products so highly.

      Well, your products usually are excellent, I said, calming down a bit.

      Im so sorry we caused you this pain and aggravation, she said.

      Oh, I interrupted. Its not your fault. Now I was copletely appeased. It must have just 
        been a fluke that this one pair of pantswas...

      Technique #87

      Echo the Emo

      Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts from people about an emotional 
        situation, let them emote. Hear their facts but empathize like mad with their emotions. 
        Smearing on the emo is often the only way to calm their emotional storm.

      Theres more to this story, but let me pause here to interject the Echo the Emo technique.

      The clever customer service rep not only emptied my tanks and softened me up with Echo the 
        Emo. She completely dissolved me with the next technique.

      How to Make Em Like You (Even When Youve Messed Up)

      The next day, UPS delivered not only the replacement slacks, but tucked into the package 
        was a handwritten apology and a hefty gift certificate. Would I order from that company 
        again? You bet I would. Would I recommend their clothes to someone else? You bet I would. 
        Top customer service folks welcome mistakes because they know it gives their firm a chance 
        to shine. Whenever you mess up and someone suffers because of it, make sure they come out 
        ahead, way ahead. I call the technique My Goof, Your Gain.

      Visiting an important clients office, I once tripped on a rug and took a nose dive, making 
        a three-point landing in a vase on her desk. My nose was spared but her vase shattered 
        into smithereens. Two tubes of crazy glue and lots of Where the heck does this piece go 
        later, the vase was back on her desk, and we agreed it looked pretty good. Nevertheless, 
        the next day I had a messenger deliver a beautiful vase, ten times the value of the 
        almost-totaled one, with a dozen roses in it.

      Whenever we speak, my client tells me every time she looks at the new vase, she smiles. (A 
        better incentive gift than a pen with your name on it, no?) The next time I visit her 
        office, my client may hide some of her more valuable breakables. But, thanks to My Goof, 
        Your Gain, there will be a next time.

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      Technique #88

      My Goof, Your Gain

      Whenever you make a boner, make sure your victim benefits. Its not enough to correct your 
        mistake. Ask yourself, What could I do for this suffering soul so he or she will be 
        delighted I made the flub? Then do it, fast! In that way, your goof will become your gain.

      Now, suppose its not your boo-boo. Its theirs. How can you make their goof your gain? Read 
        on.

      How to Trap a Rat with Class

      In Japan, some citizens prefer to lose their lives rather than to lose face. In America, 
        the same death wish exists, with one modifiction. The Yank dreams of the death of the 
        mortal who made him lose face.

      Why make enemies? Unless it is your obligation to catch cheaters or entrap liars, let them 
        get away with it. Then immedately get them out of your life and the lives youre 
        responsible for. Even when the case is open and shut against someonewhen youve got the rat 
        fink trappedleave him an escape hatch.

      The best example I heard of this high sensitivity was from one of my clients. She was 
        invited to brunch at the home of a wealthy socialite known as Lady Stephanie. Lady 
        Stephanies home was filled with beautiful objets dart. Not the least among them was an 
        exquisite collection of extremely valuable FabergŽ eggs, which all the guests admired.

      At the end of the elegant champagne brunch, my client told me she was walking out the door 
        chatting with several other guests. Just then, Lady Stephanie sidled up to one woman 
        leaving at the same time as my client. Oh, Im so happy you were admiing my FabergŽ 
        collection, Lady Stephanie said, sliding her hand into the pocket of the guests mink coat 
        and plucking out one of

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      her priceless eggs. You must have wanted to see this one in the sunlight. Come, let us 
        look at it together. It does reflect the bright light beautifully.

      The mink-clad thief gulped and furtively looked around to see who had witnessed her gentle 
        entrapment. My client and everyone in the foyer saw what happened, but took Lady 
        Stephanies lead and pretended na•vetŽ of the attempted heist.

      Carrying the charade a step further, Lady Stephanie and the sticky-fingered guest admired 
        the egg in the sunlight. Then Lady Stephanie, with her FabergŽ egg secured safely between 
        her pefectly manicured fingers, marched home to put the treasure in its rightful place. 
        The attempted egg snatcher crawled back to her car, from her last attendance at Lady 
        Stephanies coveted bashes. The hostess let the foiled filcher get away with a few slivered 
        shreds of her ego left intact.

      Why did Lady Stephanie come out ahead? Everyone who winessedand subsequently heard 
        aboutthe thwarted burglary has renewed respect for Lady Stephanie. Snaring the thief, yet 
        sparing her pride, helped Lady Stephanie keep her reputation of hostess with the mostest.

      Why do big winners let bad-news people get away with bumers? Because, like mothers 
        confronting naughty children to corect them, confronting creeps is a way of saying I 
        care. By closing your mouth (and then the door forever), you are saying, You are so 
        beneath me Im not going to even waste my words on you.

      Mea Culpa!

      Big winners leave an escape hatch for the small foibles of friends they wish to keep by 
        taking the blame themselves. If a friend gets lost and is an hour late arriving at your 
        house, tell her Those directions I gave you were terrible. He breaks your Limoges bowl? Oh 
        I shouldnt have left it in such a precarious position. Its the

      How to Trap a Rat with Class	329

      old mea culpa routine that endears you to everyone, especially when they realize it wasnt 
        your fault.

      Residents of Toronto, Canada, have a well-earned reputation for grace. They demonstrated 
        it last year in a downtown Toronto drugstore. A shopper attempted to stroll out through 
        the security system with a purloined object in his pocket. Instead of a shrill alarm 
        shattering all shoppers eardrums, as in many American cities, a tasteful little chime 
        sounded. A charming voice came across the public address. Excuse us, we have failed to 
        inactivate the inventory control system. Thank you for your patience while you wait for a 
        customer care representative to come help you. Isnt that a nicer way of saying Freeze, 
        punk, while we come frisk you?

      Now lets move on to the next technique to keep people from messing upand to help them give 
        you their very best.

      Technique #89

      Leave an Escape Hatch

      Whenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggeating, distorting, or deceiving, dont 
        confront the dirty duck directly. Unless it is your responsibility to catch or correct the 
        culpritor unless you are saving other innocent victims by doing solet the transgressor out 
        of your trap with his tricky puss in one piece. Then resolve never to gaze upon it again.

      How to Get Whatever You Want from Service Personnel

      A complimentary letter is called a buttercup because it butters up the recipient. 
        Buttercups are nice. Even nicer are buttercups about someone to their boss.

      I once needed a massive photocopying job. It was so immense that the assistant manager of 
        Staples office-supply store didnt think it could be finished by the end of the week. 
        Nevertheless, grudgingly, he grumbled, Ill try. In my enthusiasm and hope he could, I 
        gushed, Wow, youre great! Whats your bosss name? Your supervisor should get a letter of 
        congratulations on hiring you. You really try harder for your customers. To my astonis
        ment, not only was my printing job done two days early, but every time I walk into 
        Staples, the assistant manager rolls out the red carpet.

      Hmm, I began to think. I may be on to something. A prmature letter of commendation for 
        favors not yet received could be a clever tactic. I decided to check it out with a few 
        heavy hiters on my consultation list.

      One fellow I know, Tim, a top travel agent, is a real can-do guy. He gets anything his 
        friends ask for in a finger snap. Hes the fellow to call when you want hard-to-get theater 
        tickets. Hes the

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      How to Get Whatever You Want from Service Personnel	331

      guy you call when your airline says the hotel is booked or the flight is oversold.

      When I told him of my buttercup experience, Tim laughed and said, Leil, of course. This is 
        news to you? A complimentary letter to someones bossor the promise of oneis a great insu
        ance policy. Its as good as a written rider that you will be well taken care of in the 
        future.

      Now I have a standard one in my computer. The buttercup reads as follows:

      Dear [name of supervisor],

      I know how important customer service is to an organization such as yours. This letter is 
        to comend [name of employee]. He/She is an example of an [employee title] who gives 
        exceptional customer service. [Name of store or business] continues to have my business 
        thanks in great part to the service given by [name of employee].

      Gratefully, [signature]

      Ive sent this letter to supervisors of parking lots, owners of insurance companies, and to 
        managers of dozens of stores where I shop regularly. Im sure thats why I never need to 
        worry about getting a parking place when the lot is full, an immediate callback from my 
        insurance agent, and attentive service at my regular shoping haunts.

      But be careful! Dont just ask, Whats the name of your supervisor? Hearing those words can 
        make an employee as nerous as a turkey in November. Be sure to couch it in a 
        compliment. Say something like, Wow, you are terrific. Whats your supervsors name? Id 
        like to write him or her a letter. Then write it! Youll forever be a VIP in his or her 
        book.

      Teechnique #90

      Buttercups for Their Boss

      Do you have a store clerk, accountant, law firm junior partner, tailor, auto mechanic, 
        ma”tre d, massage therapist, kids teacheror any other worker you want special attention 
        from in the future? The surefire way to make them care enough to give you their very best 
        is send a buttercup to their boss.

      The next technique tells you how to stand out as a VIP when youre in a group.

      How to Be a Leader in a Crowd, Not a Follower

      During the McCarthy era, government spies infiltrated undeground political rallies to 
        determine who was dangerous to national security. The agents were trained applause 
        watchers. They photographed and investigated men who clapped first, shouted Bravo the 
        loudest, and smiled the longest at the end of politically inflammatory speeches. The spies 
        dubbed those the dangerous ones. The infiltrators felt first responders were confdent 
        cats who had the power to persuade followers and the charisma to lead crowds.

      In less politically sensitive gatherings, the same principle applies. People who respond 
        first to a presentation or happening, without looking around to see how everyone else is 
        reacting, are men and women of leadership caliber.

      Cool Cats Clap First

      You are sitting in an auditorium with hundreds of fellow emploees listening to the 
        president of your firm introduce a new cocept. As youre slouching anonymously in the 
        audience, you think your expression is invisible to the man or woman at the podium. Not 
        so! As a speaker, I guarantee you every one of my colleagues

      333

      sees every smile, every frown, every light in every eye, and every emblem of extraordinary 
        human intelligence flashing back at him or her.

      Likewise, the company president making a presentation aniously surveys his corporate 
        jungle and, from the pusses peering back at him, senses which employees are sympathetic 
        and which are not. He also knows which in the sea of faces floating in front of him has 
        the potential to be a heavy hitter like himself. How?

      Because heavy hitters, even when they do not agree with the speaker, support the podium 
        pontificator. Why? Because they know what its like to be on. They know, no matter how big 
        or litle the cat at the front of the room is, when giving a speech hes concerned about 
        the crowds acceptance.

      When the company big shot delivers his last line, carefully contrived to bring the crowd 
        to its feet or employees to acquiecence, do you think hes unaware of who starts the 
        trickle, or the riptide, of acceptance? No way! Though his head is down while taking a 
        bow, with the insight of a McCarthy-era spy, he perceives

      Technique #91

      Lead the Listeners

      No matter how prominent the big cat behind the podium is, crouched inside is a little 
        scaredy-cat who is anxious about the crowds acceptance.

      Big winners recognize youre a fellow big winner when they see you leading their listeners 
        in a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud or publicly commend the man or woman you 
        agree with (or want favors from).

      How to Be a Leader in a Crowd, Not a Follower	335

      precisely who inaugurated the applause, precisely how long after the last words were 
        uttered, and precisely how enthusiastically! Being the first to put your hands together, 
        being the first to jump to your feet, and, if appropriate, being the first to shout Bravo, 
        gets you big cat status with the tiger who was talking.

      Be the first clapper no matter how small the crowd, no mater how informal the talk. 
        Dont wait to see how everyone else is going to respond. Even if its a small group of three 
        or four peple standing around, be the first to empathize with the speakers ideas, the 
        first to mutter good idea. Its proof positive youre a person who trusts his or her own 
        instincts.

      How to Make All the Right Moves

      Any minute, any second, football fans know the score. Even beeguzzling Big George, 
        dozing in front of the TV set on football Sunday knows. Poke his pudgy pot, and in a wink, 
        hell tell you whos winning, whos losing, and by precisely how many points.

      Key players in the game of life are like George. Even when you think theyre dozing, they 
        are constantly aware of the score between themselves and everyone in their lifefriends and 
        faily included! They know who is winning, who is losing, and by how many points.

      When two Japanese businessmen meet, its obvious who is on top. You measure it in 
        millimeters from how close to the floor their noses come when bowing. (Bottom mans nose 
        dives lower.)

      In America, we dont have carefully choreographed bows showing the score in a relationship. 
        But boys n girls in the busness big league know who is top dog and who is bottom dog 
        today. (It can change tomorrow.)

      Bottom dog must curtsy deeper. He or she must show defeence. Bottom dog must offer to 
        meet at top dogs office, pick up the restaurant tab when appropriate, and be respectful of 
        top dogs time. If bottom dog fails to show the proper deference, he doesnt

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      How to Make All the Right Moves	337

      get his nose rubbed into the ground. He simply disqualifies hiself to bark in the big 
        league.

      Thats what happened to my girlfriend Laura, who had deveoped the healthy milkshake. 
        (Remember her from Instant Replay?) When we last left Laura, she was blowing her chances 
        with Fred, the top banana of a supermarket chain, by grilling him for details of his 
        mailing address, complaining her pen was out of ink, maing him wait while she got 
        another, writing numbers down wrong, ad nauseam.

      I didnt tell you the worst part. After Fred was generous enough to invite Laura to send 
        him samples of her health shake, she dropped another bomb by asking him which shipping 
        service she should use. He must have said FedEx because I heard Laura say, Well, my 
        milkshake needs to stay refrigerated. Does FedEx have refrigerated trucks?

      At this point I knew she had strangled the deal by her own phone chord. She shouldnt nudge 
        Supermarket Czar with dinky shipping details. In fact, Laura should be so grateful, she 
        should personally deliver the drink the next dayrolling it all the way to his supermarket 
        with her nose if need be. Laura was obviously not aware of The Great Scorecard in the Sky. 
        That day the tally was Fred everything, Laura nothing.

      Big winnersbefore putting pen to paper, fingers to keboard, mouth to phone, or hand to 
        someone elses to shake it do a quick calculation. They ask themselves Who has the most to 
        benefit from this relationship? What has each of us done recently that demands deference 
        from the other? And what can I do to even the score?

      Friends Keep Tabs Too

      The Great Scorecard in the Sky is not just bobbing over busnesspeople. If family 
        members and friends look carefully over their

      loved ones heads, theyll spot it. And, like an over-the-counter stock, it goes up or down 
        every day. When you mess up, you have to even your score by doing more for the one who 
        didnt. To keep love alive, keep your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky.

      Several months ago, I met a nice chap named Charles at a covention. We started 
        discussing our favorite foods. His was hommade linguine with pesto sauce. I liked 
        Charles and I make a mean pesto sauce. The remarkable coincidence of these two elements 
        emboldened me to invite him to dinner at my place. Great, he said. We set it for 
        seven-thirty the following Tuesday.

      Tuesday afternoon, I begin preparations for the big date. The cuckoo clock on the wall 
        monitored my progress. At five cuckoos, I run to the store to find pine nuts. By six 
        cuckoos, Im back home grinding basil and garlic. At seven cuckoos, Im folding napkins, 
        setting the table, pulling out fresh candles. Whoops, running late. I change clothes and 
        spruce myself up. When seven-thirty strikes, I am all ready. The pesto and I await his 
        arrival.

      Eight oclock rolls around and no friend. Well, I figure, Ill open the wine and let it 
        breathe. Another hour passes and no Charles. The cuckoo calls me cuckoo nine times now. I 
        begin to believe the bird. It is evident Charles isnt coming. I have been stood up.

      The next day Charles called with halfhearted apologies and a semiplausible excuse. His car 
        broke down. Gee, Im sorry, I said. (I wanted to say, Did Martians capture you? Were you 
        tranported to another planet where there were no phones to call me? I resisted the 
        sarcasm.) However, he did sound contrite so I was almost willing to forget it. Until his 
        next question.

      He obviously wasnt aware of how hed slipped in The Great Scorecard in the Sky because, 
        instead of inviting me for linguine with pesto at a fine Italian restaurant to make up for 
        his blooper, he asked, When can we reschedule at your house?

      Never, Charlie.

      How to Make All th